Nauseated

A little while ago we got back from this year's Halloween party. I cried the entire way home. Roger never noticed because he was passed out in the passenger's seat due to the fact that he'd been slamming beer after beer since six o'clock. Now I'm downstairs on the couch with a blanket and my feather pillow feeling like my heart has been torn out. Roger has no idea because he is passed out on our bed. At the very least I avoided a fight, and tonight it would have been a world ending fight which would probably left me bruised again. I chose not to drink at the party because I knew there was a keg, and I knew that meant that no matter how much he promised, he would drink at least half its contents. So I sat back and did the whole Passive Jessica thing that I have to do when times like these come up. Things were okay at first. Then Crystal and Haylee showed up and I had someone to talk to, and for once they were caring and supportive and interested. As the night went on and Roger became more and more inebriated I began dreading what would happen once I got him home. Haylee noticed the zoned out look on my face and all she had to do was ask what was wrong for me to dump the whole thing on the table. Out of earshot of anyone else I told her how he'd bruised me and how he picks fights, and when she suggested that I just get out of the house or lock myself in the bathroom I told her the stories about broken doors and how he has held me down and choked me to keep me from leaving. All the while I'm noticing how he's getting to close to the single females at the party. It was just a little dancing at first, close enough to make me nervous but far enough away to keep me from making a scene. Then I notice some girl leading him inside by the hand. I find out later from Crystal that more dancing went on and Haylee made a smooth save by pulling Roger backwards just as Devil Skank was about to put her arms around his neck. Around eleven thirty I was on my way to the restroom, I pass the stairway & hear giggles. I look up and what do I see but my husband kissing Devil Skank on the stairs. But I don't scream and I don't pull her down by her curls and curb stop her in the front of the house like I should have. At that moment I felt the last little piece of whatever I've been holding onto this month slip away. I went numb. I didn't even tell him we had to leave that instant. I waited around patiently for another half hour before asking him very nicely to wrap it up.

What did I do to deserve all this? All this crap in one single month? And the final blow is witnessing my husband kiss some blonde bitch?

Now I don't feel anything. I feel alone. I feel like all my nightmares have finally come true.