I get into a head on collision and it's up to Roger to take care of everything now. It's his responsibility to worry about what everything costs, getting the insurance information, making sure we have copies of statements and police reports, and me. Most of all me. And you know what? I'm a total wreck, almost as much of a wreck as my poor Honda only I don't think anyone is going to send me to be crushed. Roger has been totally unreliable. And I get that he's just as stressed as I am. His car decided to die the very next day, but it's just the alternator. It's fixable and we will probably have it back this afternoon. My car is GONE, completely totaled all because some jerk mechanic decided to take a customer's Corvette for a joyride. Physically I'm fine. My shoulder is in quite a bit of pain and my whole right arm is extremely weak, but Roger has been too drunk to really take care of me. I know my injuries are nothing compared to when he broke his jaw, but I'm completely broken emotionally speaking and he's no help. I was there and I was strong for him and I spoiled him and said nothing to upset him. All he can do is drink and it's irresponsible and completely unhelpful.
Last night he got into the history on my AOL and found a bunch of porn sites. I don't have very good internet security because I never renewed my subscriptions, so I get pop ups a lot. But I don't think about it. It's just porn and I'm a grown up and just exit out of the screen. I put a pop up blocker on my Internet Explorer and they've pretty much gone away, but for some reason they're showing up on the AOL browser. So last night while he's drunk and I'm feeling like slitting my wrists in the bathtub he finds these sites and his mind immediately jumps to "my wife is a lesbian." I called him upstairs to join me in the bubble bath because I was seriously considering trying to drown myself and he finally joins me only to act like a total jerk, questioning why I'm taking a bath to relax if I'm already tired and I could just go to bed. Then he has me get out after only five minutes, brushes his teeth and starts grilling me about the porn on my computer and asking me if I'm a lesbian and if I'd rather masturbate to women on the internet than have sex with him. All of which is just fucking stupid and I can hardly handle it in my current emotional state. And, okay, if I'd found gay porn on his computer when he was lying in bed high on liquid codeine with a broken jaw, I'd be pretty curious about what the fuck was going on, but I don't think I would be such a bitch about it. He actually admitted that he was going to fuck me and then bring up the porn. Who the fuck does that? This is seriously the man I'm married to? But then I have to remember that he's been drinking since 1 pm and then the question comes up again…is this seriously the man I married. I've been nothing but there for him through so many things. A broken jaw, a sprained ankle, the admission of something horrible he did when he was 11 and I've been supportive and have never brought the shit up and this is how he is here for me? This is such bull shit!
My mom wrote him an e-mail last night demanding that he go get my kitty back. I've even asked too. I don't want another car now. I don't even think I could drive for a few more months at least. But I know for a freaking fact that if I had that cat back, if he were here to sleep on my lap or snuggle with me on the couch that I would feel better. I totally wouldn't be examining sharp objects and wondering if Roger would really care if I drug one across my wrist. I wouldn't be eyeing the last five Valiums and debating if I should take them all at once. When Roger broke his jaw it took me a long time to let go of that feeling that he wouldn't be okay if I let him out of my sight. It only lasted one day for him. I got one single day of shoulder massages and hand holding and snuggling on the couch before everything went right back to "hey, Jessica you're not giving me enough sex." No fucking shit dickhead! I was just in a pretty major accident, I'm stressed beyond all belief, somewhat contemplating a suicide attempt because of your lack of support and you think that "getting a nut off" (as he put it) is going to be appealing to me? Fuck you!
No comments:
Post a Comment