When Worlds Collide

I don't know what happened today, but I've been overcome with anxiety about buying the Jeep. I drove myself over to the Exchange Car Sales office to try to convince myself things would be okay, but it didn't help. I promised Rob that I would be back around three to give him the final deposit and some of the paperwork. I spent some time flipping through the brochure just now and I don't feel any better. All I can think about is how we might regret buying this truck and I keep wondering is this really the right vehicle for me? The thing is I don't have time to have these sort of doubts and I can't ease my tensions by going and having a test drive because the idiots don't even have any Grand Cherokees over here. All these options keep popping into my head, like wouldn't it be better to save the money and buy something used when we go back? Or – if we get stationed at Fairchild my dad and Matt can build me whatever car I want for a ton cheaper than new, like maybe a TL. Then I start freaking out about all the crazy unknowns and the what if's. What if we don't get stationed at Fairchild? What if I can't get a job? What if something happens between now and next year that we can't put as much money down on it as we planned?

Rob told me that I should go check out the Commander that is on Mildenhall because the interior is very similar to the Grand Cherokee. I hope being able to play with the buttons and sit behind the wheel will make me feel better because I don't like this tension in my chest and all these stupid things clouding my head. The stuff I would think about to calm me down just a few months ago is seriously scaring the crap out of me now…getting a degree, and a new Jeep, and a new house, and going back to the states, and…argh!

Bloodied Up

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I was overtaken with the trip and my parents' visit. The aftermath was a lot to sort through. It's been more pain than pleasure having to update the blog where everyone knows me, sort through, edit, and distribute photos of the trip, as well as deal with the pressing issues I shoved to the back of my mind while on vacation. I can tell you that the trip was a life saver and I am happy to be out of the horrible, dark hole of depression that I had fallen into. The Explorer is fixed and running well and we are still pursuing the asshole that sold it to us. I'm hoping to get the court documents filled out and sent in by the end of this week. Roger was put on night shift as soon as we returned from our adventure around Europe so I was not very proactive about taking care of our responsibilities. Sadly, I gave up on the insurance claim on the Honda. Big insurance wins again. Fuckers. But, we aren't going to walk away from all this hardship without having learned a lesson. All our cars are fully covered now so I will never again have to deal with it myself.

The house has fallen into ill repair. Neither Roger or myself wish to clean anything. The carpet has been crying out to be vacuumed for the last month and a half, there is a thin layer of dust covering almost all of our furniture, and the toilets…well I don't want to even talk about that. We both know things need to be scrubbed within an inch of their lives and we even admit to it out loud, but we've yet to lift a finger. Actually, I can't say that. I will take some credit for myself. On Friday I pulled out the chemicals and scrubbed down the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom. I took a duster to the living room furniture and straightened things up. But today it looks like I didn't do a thing. On one hand I feel really lazy, but then I've been going to the gym regularly for a month now, I'm two weeks ahead with my school work and I went through a 1 gallon bag of coupons today.

Roger started ALS last Thursday. It's not as bad as Amy and Rachel were making it sound. I think it helps that I have homework to do too, so I work on my stuff while he works on his and then we snuggle for a bit in bed. I wrote up some stuff the other day about how lost I feel with school and how scared I am about my future. Maybe I will post it later on. I really feel like I'm just torn. I've never really felt like I know what to do with my life and I can't decide what's going to make me happy because so many things I want conflict with each other. I poured everything out to Roger the other night over some wine and I was surprised at his response. He actually agreed that we've been living his life and pushing toward his dreams and his career since we've been married. He was very worried about how I felt and vowed that as soon as we had the opportunity he would do whatever he could so that I could get closer to the things I want.

I guess he's done studying now so I'm off.