I Would Love Nothing More in the World than to Watch You as You Spill Your Guts

How is it only three o'clock? I feel like I've been all over today. I suppose at least it is Friday though. I think I'm done crying over the kitty. I went to pick up our tickets for Phantom of the Opera and had to sit and talk with Haylee and Crystal about him. That was kind of hard. I'm still pretty upset at Roger. We could have made it work, especially with his pay going up soon and the cars being paid off even sooner. I'm mad at myself though too. It's not all his fault. If I'd pouted a little more or not given into the idea of giving him away, Roger would have eventually caved. It's all cold and rainy today. The house is freezing. Last night I cooked dinner in sweats with a blanket wrapped around my waist. It was rather difficult. I'm determined not to turn the heat on until the first of October, which is only Monday. I can last two and a half more days. Then I promised myself I would order more oil which will top off the tank and we shouldn't have to worry about it again until the end of winter or spring, especially with our month long trip in December. Man, am I excited for that! I can't believe all the stuff we are going to see and do. Maybe this is like, the millionth time I've said this, but it's no less true.

I have to say something mean about Roger. Sometimes he can be really dumb. And not in an obvious-to-everyone kind of way, but more of an I'm-a-genius-and-you've-now=made-it-painfully-obvious-you're-not kind of way. I really feel like I'm talking to a moron sometimes. I wish I could give you a prime example, but I can't remember WTF he did the other night that made me wonder why I'd married such an idiot. I just keep thinking of that Post Secret card that said something like "I'm so tired of dumbing things down for my boyfriend." I know sister. I'm there too.

Heartbreak Baby is Half the Fun

I am utterly miserable. I am so alone and so sad and Roger doesn't feel like doing anything to help. I don't know what's happened to him. He used to be able to think of the best thing to get my mind off of whatever was making me unhappy. When we were dating and my parents would upset me he knew just what to do. I don't know what he's so preoccupied with now that he can't take the time to make me smile. That little kitty was making me so happy and I didn't even realize because I was trying so hard to convince myself that I didn't need him. And now that he's gone there is this great big hole and I blame Roger because he didn't want to make the effort. He even said that he could see how happy the kitty was making me, but he couldn't be bothered to come up with a solution. He gets to have his stupid car and I'm saving all this money so we can ship the thing back to the states, but will he spend a little extra money so I can have a fury little friend? Will he make the effort to call the landlord or take the risk of just hiding him? No. And this is the time of year it would be perfect to have a kitty. And he was the perfect kitty to have.

So now I'm bawling and upset and totally bored and Roger can't be bothered. It's so stupid to him that I'm this upset and he won't make any effort to make things better. Though I don't know if the only thing I will accept is to have my kitty back or if just some sign on help from him would be good. Last night he just sat there and watched a movie while I cried. I'm just so pissed at everything right now. Of course most of it boils down to the fact that we live in fucking England. At least if we were in the states I could go spend the day at the mall and shop myself happy with all the money we've got in savings. But I'm totally limited to the Internet and that is not good enough. I can't reach out and touch the fabrics or try things on to make sure they fit or if the color looks right with my hair. I can't even catch a hop back for a quick visit because my parents will be here in 75 days so it would be totally pointless…you know other than Olive Garden and Sonic and going to the mall and Target and Kohls and maybe seeing Chris, even though he cares less about my wellbeing than Roger does at this point. I don't think Roger understands that he's all I've got. I try way too hard with Crystal, Halley, and Amy. I really like them all, but I'm never invited out with them and anything I suggest is shot down. We can't even do group things with them because Roger is so annoyed with Beau.

I don't know what to do today. We're trying not to buy food until the big fridge is defrosted, which will probably be on Sunday. I'm not too thrilled about that. It is the day before pay day so maybe things will be stocked and there won't be that many people, but then it's Sunday and everyone and their screaming bratty kids have to get their groceries on Sunday. I'm sure it will be horribly uncomfortable. Maybe I will look up a new recipe to try and just buy the ingredients since we're out of real food. I think I'm going to order more tank tops from Old Navy and maybe another Hollister order. I'd love a new pair of jeans. I totally need to order Roger's watch. I should think of something to do for his birthday too. He's pretty good with my birthdays and I never feel like I measure up when it comes to doing things for him. So I guess I'm off to do some online shopping.

My Nightmare

The lights are bright and hot. There is a stifled cough from somewhere in the audience and the subtle clinks of metal and rustling of papers. Then, silence. The calm before the storm, the deep breath before the first beautiful chord echoes through the concert hall. My eyes dart across dots and lines, a language I've spent years learning, studying. I should be nervous, but my heart beats in three four time and I've never felt so at peace. I've never felt like I belonged somewhere more than I do right here on this stage with my fingers pressing purposefully down on keys and my breath flowing from me in a focused stream of air across a silver mouthpiece. We reach a peak, where the music swells so vividly you can feel the pain of the chord it in your soul..ouch! I'm brought from my daydream by a sippy cup to the back of the head. My hands are pruned from the soapy water where I've been washing dishes and a toddler sits fussing in his high chair, refusing to finish his lunch. I'm terrified that one day I will wake up to this reality. Trapped as a housewife full of day dreams of a life she could have had. Sure, I want the mortgage, and I want the sink full of dishes and soapy water. One day, I even want the fussy toddler. But nothing will ever give me as much purpose or meaning as when I have been on that stage, performing timeless classics, contributing to mezmerising chords, creating beautiful music. I may become many things in my life, but I will always consider myself a musician. I have studied and practiced music since I was twelve years old. It is one thing I can say I am really good at and incidentally, it is the one thing that has always defined me, given me purpose. I just hope that I will find a way to make my dream come true.

All By Myself

Roger is off on a FARP thing tonight and I'm all alone. I've been trying to reach the school all afternoon to get an update on my stupid instructor…but nothing. Either they're not answering or not returning my calls. I'm so over this school. After I'm finished with this class I'm going to take a break until January. I just can't bring myself to do my homework anymore. It's so annoying.

I don't think I'm going to do well here alone when/if Roger gets deployed. I mean, I want him to go before we PCS back to the states, otherwise they'll probably send him right away. But, I'm not doing so well here now, and now I'm sitting here waiting for him with my glass of wine and my pot of noodles. It's kind of sad. I'll have to go back if he gets deployed. It would be nice for a little while though. I'm sure I'd miss having my own things around me, but at least I'd be in America.

I think Roger is getting really upset about my lack of sex drive. I don't know what's up with me, I just don't get horny anymore. I can still orgasm and I'm still really attracted to him. I just feel so guilty about it now. Every time we do have sex it's because he guilts me into it, not because he makes me feel wanted. I feel like a jerk for turning down his lame advances, but I can't tell him that he has to work harder because he just doesn't get it. Like, hey, let's pick a time that isn't when we're going to bed. Let's light some candles and pour some wine and then call me upstairs for a massage. But he can't even massage me because his knees hurt. Boo hoo. It hurts me to do a lot of the things I do for him, but I do them because they make him feel good. Could it be so much to ask that he cater to my emotions and not my body for once? That's the real barrier lately. My emotions aren't in our sex anymore. My mind is always wandering when we're doing it and even if I try to focus he's just doing things wrong so if I even start to get close he starts moving in a different direction and then I lose it. Or he'll have to stop. Maybe even some music would be nice. It's like so many other things in our marriage though. I do it to make him happy and he's still angry at me for something. I don't know what to do.

There is a Room

There is a room in my house, filled with many things. Not all of them have their place or are necessarily put away. Some things don't belong in this room. Some things, you would not tell their importance to me by the way they are placed in this room. My flute is there, in it's case, sticking akwardly out of a box full of other random items. I haven't touched it in years. Years. How did that happen? You wouldn't know it if you walked into that room that I was a musician. That it was once the thing that kept me going each and every day. I was a fool to not have pushed myself harder. I was a fool to ever put that fine piece of nickel away. My heart breaks every time I hear classical music. I can't sit through ballets or operas or even a recording without being reminded of what I've given up, and for no particular reason. There has never really been a reason for me to stop playing. Just because I'm not a symphony member or a music student does not mean I should put my instrument away. It means I should be studying harder than ever before. I should be practicing to keep my edge. I should not be so negletful of something I cherish so much, of something that truly makes me the person I am.

Ew Ew Ew and a Couple Notes

I was just sitting here minding my own business when I noticed this moving shadow and when I looked up at the window to see…there was this HUGE fucking spider, seriously the biggest I've ever seen other than a tarantula. It's the one responsible for the giant web outside our office window. I still feel all creepy-crawly just thinking about the damn thing. Ick. Ick. Ick.

I was supposed to turn in an assignment on Sunday. I still haven't done it yet. I need to, but I don't even want to sign into my class because my instructor is such a cunt. I doubt the school is even going to do anything about her. All the instructors I've had have just been so disappointing. Either they just give you an A and let you glide right through with zero effort, or they refuse to give you any help and mark you down for unexplained reasons. I'm done trying to get a good grade. I need to just be happy with a passing one so I can finally take a break. After the next class I'll be halfway done. The sad thing is I'll have this random ass degree, and I still have no clue what I want to be. Flutist? Travel book writer? Beach bum? Housewife?

While I'm ignoring my school work I make use of my internet connection. I'm a totally shameless Myspace spy, or as Roger recently learned from the Urban Dictionary word-a-day, a my-spy. Because I can't say it anywhere else I need to get a couple things off my chest. Bethanie & Nick, you are DIVORCED, not single. Please display the appropriate option on your page. Denying what's happened just makes me & Roger more right than ever. You two are fucking stupid and should have lived your own lives instead of trying to copy ours. Christina, I really hate you. You don't deserve to have a baby. You really don't. You're a selfish brat that only wanted to get pregnant in the first place because the rest of your friends did, and now you only want a kid because the universe is telling you that you can't. I hope Brett is completely terrified of leaving you alone here. I know that you cheated on him during the first deployment and you will do it again.

I can't finish my breakfast because of that damned spider. God, it was horrible. I was going to get down the totes in the garage that have my sweaters & our big comforter in them, but after that thing I'm definitely too creeped out. I'm sure there are dozens of giant spiders hiding in our garage and I would just totally flip out. It's chilly today though. I can see the leaves on the tree in the backyard are turning orange. They're already thinning out toward the top. I guess I'll wait until the weekend for the sweaters so I can have Roger pull down the totes. I've got a nice, new hoodie on its way from Hollister now anyway.

The Truth

I've got another blog that I'm cheating on. It's the one that my mother reads, that a couple of my friends know about. It's the one I can't really confide in anymore. I can't talk about Matt's drinking and the bruises he left on my underarm two weekends ago. I can't talk about my random break downs or how I really feel about most things. Sometimes my head gets so filled with thoughts and emotions that I just can't handle it and I feel like I have no one to turn to. So now I have this blog where I'm completely anonomous and I can say what's really going on with me.

Roger's best friend, Zack, left Saturday morning for his new base. We had him over on Friday for steak and lobster and games. None of us really acted like we weren't going to see each other for a while. When we dropped him off at billeting we didn't even get out of the car to say our goodbyes. And now he's gone. I can only hope that this will put an end to Roger thinking that I have a thing for Zack.

On Saturday night we watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy in bed. Roger fell asleep about ten minutes in. It was the episode where George O'Mally's dad dies. By the very end I was bawling my eyes out. Even after I turned off the TV and tried to go to sleep I was still crying. For about twenty minutes I cried silently next to my sleeping husband. Then I decided to call my dad. Because that was the reason I was crying. He and I used to be so close when I was at home, but he isn't very good with long distance relationships and now it's just not the same. I just missed him so much. We spoke for about ten minutes, mostly about the EuroTrip I'm planning for the four of us when they come to visit this December. He's really excited about it. But he had visitors at the shop and couldn't stay on the phone for long. I was still crying when I got back into bed and I tried to wake Roger up because I needed to know I wasn't alone. But that just made me more upset. I would shove him and cry and say "baby I need you" and he would open his eyes for a moment to stare at me, then roll over and go back to sleep. I did this over and over for about ten minutes until I couldn't take it anymore and yelled at him that he was a jerk and locked myself in the bathroom and cried harder than ever. Eventually he came and got me and I cried into his chest. It was the sound of his heartbeat that finally calmed me down.