I am utterly miserable. I am so alone and so sad and Roger doesn't feel like doing anything to help. I don't know what's happened to him. He used to be able to think of the best thing to get my mind off of whatever was making me unhappy. When we were dating and my parents would upset me he knew just what to do. I don't know what he's so preoccupied with now that he can't take the time to make me smile. That little kitty was making me so happy and I didn't even realize because I was trying so hard to convince myself that I didn't need him. And now that he's gone there is this great big hole and I blame Roger because he didn't want to make the effort. He even said that he could see how happy the kitty was making me, but he couldn't be bothered to come up with a solution. He gets to have his stupid car and I'm saving all this money so we can ship the thing back to the states, but will he spend a little extra money so I can have a fury little friend? Will he make the effort to call the landlord or take the risk of just hiding him? No. And this is the time of year it would be perfect to have a kitty. And he was the perfect kitty to have.
So now I'm bawling and upset and totally bored and Roger can't be bothered. It's so stupid to him that I'm this upset and he won't make any effort to make things better. Though I don't know if the only thing I will accept is to have my kitty back or if just some sign on help from him would be good. Last night he just sat there and watched a movie while I cried. I'm just so pissed at everything right now. Of course most of it boils down to the fact that we live in fucking England. At least if we were in the states I could go spend the day at the mall and shop myself happy with all the money we've got in savings. But I'm totally limited to the Internet and that is not good enough. I can't reach out and touch the fabrics or try things on to make sure they fit or if the color looks right with my hair. I can't even catch a hop back for a quick visit because my parents will be here in 75 days so it would be totally pointless…you know other than Olive Garden and Sonic and going to the mall and Target and Kohls and maybe seeing Chris, even though he cares less about my wellbeing than Roger does at this point. I don't think Roger understands that he's all I've got. I try way too hard with Crystal, Halley, and Amy. I really like them all, but I'm never invited out with them and anything I suggest is shot down. We can't even do group things with them because Roger is so annoyed with Beau.
I don't know what to do today. We're trying not to buy food until the big fridge is defrosted, which will probably be on Sunday. I'm not too thrilled about that. It is the day before pay day so maybe things will be stocked and there won't be that many people, but then it's Sunday and everyone and their screaming bratty kids have to get their groceries on Sunday. I'm sure it will be horribly uncomfortable. Maybe I will look up a new recipe to try and just buy the ingredients since we're out of real food. I think I'm going to order more tank tops from Old Navy and maybe another Hollister order. I'd love a new pair of jeans. I totally need to order Roger's watch. I should think of something to do for his birthday too. He's pretty good with my birthdays and I never feel like I measure up when it comes to doing things for him. So I guess I'm off to do some online shopping.
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