The Truth

I've got another blog that I'm cheating on. It's the one that my mother reads, that a couple of my friends know about. It's the one I can't really confide in anymore. I can't talk about Matt's drinking and the bruises he left on my underarm two weekends ago. I can't talk about my random break downs or how I really feel about most things. Sometimes my head gets so filled with thoughts and emotions that I just can't handle it and I feel like I have no one to turn to. So now I have this blog where I'm completely anonomous and I can say what's really going on with me.

Roger's best friend, Zack, left Saturday morning for his new base. We had him over on Friday for steak and lobster and games. None of us really acted like we weren't going to see each other for a while. When we dropped him off at billeting we didn't even get out of the car to say our goodbyes. And now he's gone. I can only hope that this will put an end to Roger thinking that I have a thing for Zack.

On Saturday night we watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy in bed. Roger fell asleep about ten minutes in. It was the episode where George O'Mally's dad dies. By the very end I was bawling my eyes out. Even after I turned off the TV and tried to go to sleep I was still crying. For about twenty minutes I cried silently next to my sleeping husband. Then I decided to call my dad. Because that was the reason I was crying. He and I used to be so close when I was at home, but he isn't very good with long distance relationships and now it's just not the same. I just missed him so much. We spoke for about ten minutes, mostly about the EuroTrip I'm planning for the four of us when they come to visit this December. He's really excited about it. But he had visitors at the shop and couldn't stay on the phone for long. I was still crying when I got back into bed and I tried to wake Roger up because I needed to know I wasn't alone. But that just made me more upset. I would shove him and cry and say "baby I need you" and he would open his eyes for a moment to stare at me, then roll over and go back to sleep. I did this over and over for about ten minutes until I couldn't take it anymore and yelled at him that he was a jerk and locked myself in the bathroom and cried harder than ever. Eventually he came and got me and I cried into his chest. It was the sound of his heartbeat that finally calmed me down.