Doubt Full

So I took a break for a little while, mostly because I'm tired of writing, talking and thinking about the truck situation. It's been in the shop for a month now and I'm not really sure we're any closer to having it running than the last time I wrote. It took them two weeks to finally get a diagnostic on it and now at the end of the third week they are finally putting on one of the parts the diagnostic said was malfunctioning. The other part is being Fed-Exed by my dad and should be here tomorrow or Saturday. The shop said we may not even need it. Fingers crossed for that outcome, but even if we do have to put the other part on the truck should be back to us by next weekend, which means we should be able to pick up my parents with it. The asshole we bought it from still hasn't called us, but we're waiting to stir things up again until the truck is fully fixed and we have the full cost of everything. My grandfather is sending a check for school this week; sadly that money will probably go toward the stupid fucking truck. I would have given anything to be in Idaho with all these problems, or just back in the states. At least then we could have gotten a real fucking vehicle and not just something to hold us over. It's when we have to settle for things that we always end up getting screwed. I think I've worked it out so we won't have to dip into our savings account just yet. With any luck we'll get the full amount allowed refunded for my tuition in our taxes. I just really hope the money situation works itself out before June. Our Christmas trip hasn't even started and I'm already stressing about the price of tickets to fly home for Roger's brother's high school graduation. I'm going to be so pissed if we spend $2500 to go back home and his family treats us like shit again.

Roger is making me feel like shit all the time these days. If he's not being nasty to me because I'm not interested in sex then he's making rude jokes that hurt my feelings and make me feel like I'm stupid or useless or just plain unloved and that doesn't make me want to have sex with him any more than before. I feel ugly and he just expects me to fuck him so he's happy. He can't put any effort in to make me feel beautiful or loved. He only tries when he wants to get me in bed and that is only ten seconds before I'm expected to spread my legs. When he's been insulting me all day long it doesn't exactly work. I don't know what the fuck his problem is. I'm too tired to fight with him about it anymore and at this point I just really wish he'd get his act together because my parents are going to be here in a week and a half and I don't want to be bickering through our entire EuroTrip.

You Don’t Know How it Feels…To Be Me

I've been all twisted up inside for the last few days. It may have to do with my period making me overly emotional, but I can't shake the tension in my chest. Roger has been courageously dealing with the truck situation, but I'm still having dreams about it and thinking about it all the time. I'm so terrified that all the hard work I've done to get our savings to what it is will be destroyed by this guy. Then there's those other things gnawing at my brain to worry me. Today is the day of our house inspection. Last week we got a letter from Balmforth saying they wanted to inspect the house. I think it's pretty awkward considering we've been here for a year and a half. We spent most of our weekend scrubbing and painting and mowing. I hadn't really cleaned the house since the accident so it was due for it anyway. Everyone always tells us we have nothing to worry about because even when we think our house is a mess it is still very presentable. But this is our letting agency and they are greedy, untrustworthy, generally scummy people. They wouldn't be here if they weren't looking for something.

Then there's the school thing, which I've decided to totally give up on. I spent all that time fighting with my teacher, fighting with the system and it's just not worth my effort any more. I'm going to take an F, take a two month break and start over in January. It'll be a new year and hopefully I'll have some better luck. I'm really hoping that the trip goes well. That is the only other thing on my mind. It's time to run the last numbers for hotel costs so my parents can wire us the rest of the money and it's almost time to start making reservations; dinner at the Moulin Rouge, dinner at the Eiffel Tower, massages in Germany, wine tasting in Rome, guided tours. The list goes on I'm sure.

Things with Roger and I have evened out I suppose. It's been a while since we've had sex. I don't remember if we have at all since that Halloween party. He told me that he would take a break from drinking, but of course when the weekend came he was asking if he could drink some screwdrivers. Not being able to hold back, I snapped a nasty comment about how he could go have a few with Tiffany if he liked and I think he got the point. It maybe wasn't the best way to start the evening, but I really think he should have known better. We went to a BBQ at the Ross' on Saturday and he only had a single beer. I doubt this will go on for long, but I'll be happy if he can at least keep it like this through the holidays.

Gheez, the holidays. They hadn't even crossed my mind until just now. Roger mentioned the Flight Christmas party yesterday, but it barely registered. I wonder if I can even fit into that dress I bought earlier this year? Roger always gets upset about Thanksgiving and Christmas because I feel like I need to cook a lot. I make pies and cakes and cookies and the whole Turkey dinner spread and then we get stood up by the Kegley's and all our left-overs go to waste because Roger won't take a lunch to work. This year I don't have to worry about Christmas. We'll be on a ferry boat in the Adriatic Sea on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I do need to come up with a menu for my parents while they are here. It's for sure that we'll be cooking steak and crab, but my dad is sensitive to pasta so my great manicotti and lasagna are probably out of the question. Roger is in love with my meatloaf now so maybe that will be on the list and the Shake n Bake chicken we've become fond of. Maybe someone will actually invite us to their place this year. Or maybe we'll just do steak and crab for two on Thanksgiving. Or maybe it will be just like any other day. 2007 hasn't really treated us well anyway.