All By Myself

Roger is off on a FARP thing tonight and I'm all alone. I've been trying to reach the school all afternoon to get an update on my stupid instructor…but nothing. Either they're not answering or not returning my calls. I'm so over this school. After I'm finished with this class I'm going to take a break until January. I just can't bring myself to do my homework anymore. It's so annoying.

I don't think I'm going to do well here alone when/if Roger gets deployed. I mean, I want him to go before we PCS back to the states, otherwise they'll probably send him right away. But, I'm not doing so well here now, and now I'm sitting here waiting for him with my glass of wine and my pot of noodles. It's kind of sad. I'll have to go back if he gets deployed. It would be nice for a little while though. I'm sure I'd miss having my own things around me, but at least I'd be in America.

I think Roger is getting really upset about my lack of sex drive. I don't know what's up with me, I just don't get horny anymore. I can still orgasm and I'm still really attracted to him. I just feel so guilty about it now. Every time we do have sex it's because he guilts me into it, not because he makes me feel wanted. I feel like a jerk for turning down his lame advances, but I can't tell him that he has to work harder because he just doesn't get it. Like, hey, let's pick a time that isn't when we're going to bed. Let's light some candles and pour some wine and then call me upstairs for a massage. But he can't even massage me because his knees hurt. Boo hoo. It hurts me to do a lot of the things I do for him, but I do them because they make him feel good. Could it be so much to ask that he cater to my emotions and not my body for once? That's the real barrier lately. My emotions aren't in our sex anymore. My mind is always wandering when we're doing it and even if I try to focus he's just doing things wrong so if I even start to get close he starts moving in a different direction and then I lose it. Or he'll have to stop. Maybe even some music would be nice. It's like so many other things in our marriage though. I do it to make him happy and he's still angry at me for something. I don't know what to do.